After years of painstaking research I have come to the significant conclusion that the most dangerous activity for an old man is putting on and taking off his underpants and trousers. Why is this so?
The reasons are quite difficult to believe, but it appears that the manufacturers use material that specifically sticks to shoes and feet. I noticed this myself when at the gym. The most dangerous maneuver there was not jumping around on fearsome looking machines, but trying to take off and put on my underpants and trousers without injuring myself. My shoes adhere to the inside material of the trousers and it was impossible to take them off, thus resulting in a lot of hopping around and sometimes falling over, hurting oneself in contact with benches and the floor. Also, the holes in the underpants were made to be so floppy that it is impossible to put one’s leg though in one go, the foot inevitably gets caught, resulting in a similar hopping motion or worse.
You might think this is somewhat humorous, but it can indeed have deadly consequences. It leads to fear and anxiety every time an old man (not unlike me) has to dress and undress. Of course, one could sit down to carry out this maneuver, but that would be signifying that one is indeed an old man, something which no self-respecting male would ever admit. Have you ever wondered why we have little toes? They actually perform no useful function, except for getting caught in underpants and trousers. They have evolved to make sure that when a man puts on underwear they get caught in the edge of the hole and cause him to slowly topple over. Of course, all mutations are not useful.
There is an upside to this. It means that because old men are afraid to take off their trousers and underpants they are less likely to have casual sex or any sex at all. Most people think this is due to loss of libido as a result of the reduction of testosterone as one gets older, but actually it is fear of the dreaded “small toe caught in the underpants syndrome.”