I realized the other day that I have no control over my beard. It grows on me at its own rate, autonomously. In my studies of inter-planetary life forms, I have come across other self-actuated systems that have infected other species. I now realize that the hair follicles are in fact a new form of inter-planetary life that have infected the human species, a parasitic threat. Your hair is taking over the world!
There is a precedent for this, mitochondria, that exist in all our cells and control their energy production, are thought to have been derived from foreign bacteria that infected the cells and combined with them to make them what we now call human. If they could do it, so could the hair follicles. Note that the hair follicles have invaded the most sensitive areas of our body, our heads and our genitals. They are damn clever.
Of course, there is a short term solution to this problem, cut it! But, that won’t in the end resolve the problem. Many of you think that the 1960’s and the “Hair” generation was merely a fad, a form of human hysteria, but few realize that it was in fact an attempt by the hair follices to take over the human species and the world. Luckily it was prevented by two things, sharp scissors and drugs, that reduced the hair growth rate. Yes, of course, hair can get high too.
Oh, you doubt my incisive analysis of the threat! Well let me reassure you, currently things are under control. This is only because the style of growing beards and long hair went out of fashion several generations ago, mainly as an attempt to overcome the threat. But, it will come back, the hair is only waiting for its opportunity and you’ll see, hair will again be growing all over the place. But, we bald men are immune, we will strike back for mankind, we will save the species from domination by this alien life-form. Long live baldness.
PS. I can get you a good discount on razors.