Some of you will remember my epic discovery of “bed glue,” the colorless, odorless, volatile substance that is secreted by humans while lying in bed asleep at night. It is the cause of the difficulty many humans have in getting up in the morning. I must say that I had to struggle against a great deal of skepticism before the discovery of bg was accepted by the scientific community. Now I have made another related discovery.
Taking the first steps after getting our of bed in the morning is always difficult. Now after extensive research I have discovered that this is due to a sudden increase in gravity that makes it harder to walk. This effect persists for only a few minutes and is highly site specific. I believe this is the first and only variation in gravity ever discovered on earth, and explains why people find it so difficult to take those first steps after getting out of bed. I hope once this phenomenon is confirmed by my scientific colleagues it will be known as the “Cohen effect.”
Inadvertently, I also discovered a fundamental difference between the sexes. When it is very hot outside we put on our air conditioning. As a result I sleep with one thin sheet, but my wife covers herself in addition with a coverlet and a blanket. When the a-c is turned off, she does not remove the extra covers, but prefers to remain hot inside her little nest. As a consequence when she puts out her hand and touches me I find her hand to be searing hot, while she says “isn’t your skin cold!” There is a profound difference in the experience of heat and cold between the sexes. So I am embarking on a research project to verify this finding, I will need many female volunteers and a large research fund. Please send donations to me directly. New knowledge is never easy to obtain, but I am prepared for a long and difficult struggle in bed to confirm these findings.